From the Cyber Torah Archives

I realized a few years ago how rude it is to ask people when they are planning to have another child. It had never occurred to me that it was a rude question. I was excited by the prospect of friends of mine having children and I wanted to know when they were going to start. Then I found out that one of my close friends was having difficulty conceiving and in fact had just had a miscarriage. Since then, I do not ask people about their plans for children.

The last two weeks have dealt with questions of infertility. Despite God’s promise to them, Sarah and Abraham remained childless for nearly 25 years after God first promised Abraham that he would be the father of a great people. Sarah and Abraham both lose hope at different moments of having children. They try surrogate motherhood in the person of Hagar who bears a child, Ishmael, for them. Yet this does not quite work the way they had been promised for they still want a child for whom Sarah will be the birth mother.

In the Torah, they have the literal deus ex machina - God appears and causes Sarah to become pregnant at the age of 90. God causes Sarah at the age of 90 to conceive after years of infertility, pointing to God's control over reproduction.

Today, we have access to a variety of technologies that help people conceive. A couple in Abraham and Sarah's situation today would probably go to a fertility clinic before looking into surrogate parenthood, but otherwise I suspect they would respond in a similar manner. They experience doubt. Abraham asks God in chapter 15: "I am barren and my servant Eliezer will inherit my household!" Abraham has the benefit of being directly told by God that everything will be all right. When Sarah hears the news, she laughs, apparently mocking God. After all, she is 90 years old and has not had her cycle in decades. They fight with one another. First, Sarah orders Abraham to use Hagar as her surrogate, and then becomes angry with him for doing so. Further, Sarah's own sense of self worth erodes. She worries that Hagar is now treating her as a second class citizen in her own home. Underneath that concern are worries about her own status and her own femininity.

Families struggling with infertility today struggle on their own. God does not directly promise children, and in far too many cases couples remain unable to have children throughout their lives. The real lesson to be learned from these stories comes from the struggle that Abraham and Sarah go through rather than the resolution that allows God to fulfill His direct promise.

Our patriarchs and matriarchs are offered to us as models of behavior. A Divine being would present a model ultimately impossible to emulate. To be helpful models we can truly emulate, they need to be human beings. These stories teach that infertility is a human problem and so combat the loneliness people experience at such cases. They also offer wisdom in getting through such times. Yes, Abraham and Sarah doubt and fight with one another but they retain two values throughout. First, they protect the integrity of the relationship even with all the strife and anger. Second, they remain in relationship with God even when they doubt Him so that God remains a source of strength for them even when they doubt Him or are angered at Him.

I never knew until recently how common miscarriages are. Apparently 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, meaning that a huge percentage of couples have experienced a miscarriage at some point in their child bearing years. Infertility is less common, but also a surprisingly frequent occurrence. It can be hard to get through such experiences with a relationship intact and with personal identity intact. These stories help give us tools to meet these struggles. Yes, we experience anger, frustration, doubt, and animosity. At the same time, we can take the model of Abraham and Sarah to heart and strive to find ways to continue our devotion to God. When we are able to remember our devotion, we can then also feel God's comfort, as did Abraham and Sarah during the many childless years.